Stuff Deaf People Like

Hulu.com is a new service to legally watch television episodes and movies online.  Supported by many entertainment companies, it is rapidly becoming the “iTunes” of television shows.  Excited by the Wired article I read about Hulu, I went there the next day to see if there were any captioned offerings.

Disappointed, I browsed around but only found a couple things (American Dad, 30 Rock, etc).  There was no easy way to “discover” what shows and episodes were captioned other than looking for the small (cc) badge on the descriptions of the shows.  So I fired up Gmail and emailed ‘em; the pen being mightier than the sword and all that.  Their response was great — but instead of pointing me to a page or a search facility on their site, they attached a humongous tab-delimited text file of all captioned items on the site.

So, to save you time, I’ve linked to the best from that list below:

• 30 Days (Season 2, Season 3)
• American Dad! (Season 1)
• Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? (Season 2)
• It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (Season 1, Season 2, Season 3, Season 4)
• Kitchen Nightmares (Season 1, Season 2)
• Bones (Season 1)
• Buffy the Vampire Slayer (Season 1)
• Arrested Development (Season 1, Season 2, Season 3)

Enjoy!  Leave your thoughts below in the comments.

EDIT:  Bill Creswell has wrote about this here, too.

As the urban dictionary says, LOL is now “overused to the point where nobody laughs out loud when they say it.”  This is with general Internet folks typing “LOL” and “ROFLMAO” to each other via comments, IM, and other internetty places.

But no, deaf people carry it one step further.  They actually sign “LOL” to each other in real life.  A witty remark about Gallaudet soon closing down may be met with an actual fingerspelling of “LOL”.  The deaf mind is a very complex thing, and collectively they have taken an internet meme and made it their own snarky comment about the bridge between our Internet lives and well, real life.

They also do not actually laugh when they sign “LOL”.  That’s just the ironic frosting to this delicious cupcake of absurdity.

So, yes, gentle readers:  It is okay to actually fingerspell “LOL” to a deaf person.  They will chuckle, nod their heads, and continue on with their lives blissfully unaware that a violation of the internet-real life space had just occurred. But do not even think about actually voicing “LOL” to a hearing person.  You will be seen for what you really are; a somewhat pathetic l33t wannabe who just learned about “LOL”.

There is nothing more useless to a deaf person than a device that does not vibrate, but chirps, beeps, or emits other kinds of more melodious noise.  You will find blog posts, ASL vlog rants, and other kinds of complaints about your device if it does not give a vibrating option in lieu of sound.

Putting aside sex toys (not because deaf people are prudes, far from it — those vibrate as a primary function) let’s review the various devices that deaf people use that vibrate.  Handy amazon links provided if you want to purchase them (affiliate links fund this website)!

• The old stalwart:  Sonic Boom Alarm Clock.  This Cadillac of vibrators wakes up thousands of deaf people every morning.  You know you are in a deaf person’s bedroom when you see this clock.  It’s vibration is powerful enough to wake up your dead (and deaf) uncle while also giving you a massage.  Bonus uses include neck massages (two styles, continuous or pulsing), deep thigh therapy, and practical jokes.  The Sonic Boom is also a favorite source of late excuses for deaf people; for it often mysteriously stops working on important days.
• Various pagers and phones:  Apple iPhone, T-Mobile Sidekick, and RIM Blackberry.  All these devices have handy vibrate modes with varying levels of usefulness.  The vibrate mode on these devices is intended for hearing people to prevent the annoying ringings-of-the-phone during sensitive hearing times like meetings, sex, and church.  Unfortunately, deaf people don’t have a third sense to shift to, so they are interrupted during meetings, sex, and church with the vibrations.  Maybe some enterprising phone developer can set up a smell mode?
• Home assistive devices, like doorbell or phone signalers.  Their vibration function is tied usually to bedside clocks like the aforementioned Sonic Boom.  Wake up a deaf person with a drive-by doorbelling just like you would wake up a hearing person!  Equality is a double edged sword.  Don’t forget the toilet paper.

Talk to any deaf person today, and they will have a favorite anecdote about a vibration incident (VI) that affected their lives deeply.  Favorite ones are how the Sonic Boom failed them, and caused them to be late to their SSI or VR appointment.

Photo credit: Hui Zhang

Gallaudet University has a special place in deaf culture.  Both polarizing and unifying, Gallaudet is a favorite topic among groups of signers or deaf people.  Invariably a complaint will float to the surface, like a dead fish on the top of a scummy lake.

Double edged swords, is there anything more mesmerizing to a deaf person?  Such is complaining about Gallaudet.  A complaint about Gallaudet (safe or not safe) will ignite the conversation faster than Chipotle bashing, snarky comments about SSI, or a jibe that ASL is not a language.  Heck, it started a nationwide protest.

A complaint about Gallaudet taps into an enormous reservoir of culture, politics, and identity.  This triumvirate of topics is often found on the deaf blog/vlog aggregator DeafRead.

Here are some rules of thumb if you want to fit in quickly with a deaf crowd and complain about Gallaudet:

Safe to Complain About

• The System! Gallaudet’s system, administrivia, how horrible the service is in department X.  Sample:  “Just the other day the Student Health Service screwed me and left me without insurance because I didn’t click some link on some online form.”
• Boorish Behavior by Gallaudet Students. Gallaudet students are legendary for their antics, having been banned from D.C. hotels in the past due to inhospitable behavior.  Sample:  “I saw some Gally students in Chipotle (see post #3) and they kept shouting and hooting and making everyone around them uncomfortable.” Complaining about this one allows the deaf people in your conversation loudly avow that they are not like them, that they are civilized and don’t behave like that! Even though they do.

Not Safe to Complain About

• Intelligence Level of Gallaudet Students. Deaf people take comments about intelligence very seriously.  They have been raised to believe that they are smart in their own way and do not like being told that they look stupid.  So if you make a snarky comment about how stupid a deaf person is or was being; you are insulting them too.  Sample:  “I saw a Gallaudet student at Union Station the other day. He couldn’t figure out how to get past the Metro turnstiles!”
• President Davila. Davila is the Second Coming for many deaf people and Gallaudet students.  Even though his shine has worn off a little since coming into office, he represents the hopes and fears of the deaf community.  Tread with caution; Davila can have you disappeared.  Or at least make you appear on Bob’s Vlog and explain yourself.  Sample:  “I saw President Davila speak at Gallaudet Townhall the other day.  I think he’s full of it and does not have a plan to address diversity on campus in any meaningful way.”

Observe any group of deaf people roaming through a city. They will have difficulty agreeing upon a restaurant, cafe, or bar. How can a single place satisfy so many flavor preferences and levels of hunger?

Fortunately for deaf people, there is Chipotle. 

It is not a coincidence that Chipotle has experienced explosive growth in the Washington, D.C. area, also home to many deaf people and the world’s only deaf university—Gallaudet. A significant portion of Chipotle’s revenue likely comes from the hordes of deaf people who eat at this fine dining establishment. Before Chipotle, though, deaf people nearly starved to death because they had to endlessly discuss various restaurant options, seating arrangements, and deaf-friendliness.

But now that Chipotle has sprinkled across the United States like black beans on rice, Deaf people are often found at this homogenized version of the traditional San Francisco taqueria.

They conveniently point at each ingredient (e.g. barbacoa, cheese, pico de gallo), shuffle down the line, and with a minimum of communicative fuss indicate that they would like some chips and salsa, please. Drinks are self-serve, further minimizing any contact with a hearing person. The diversity of seating arrangements enable Chipotle to accommodate different group sizes, a crucial factor because deaf people are nearly always found in roaming and hungry packs. Indeed, deaf people’s adoption of Chipotle as a default feeding location has been so thorough that there is now an ASL sign for Chipotle.

If you want to meet a deaf person for lunch or dinner, Chipotle is an safe choice, be they carnivore or vegetarian. Their respect for you will go up an notch, while their belt buckles lose a notch.

Sally55:  It was great talking to you!

MaryJJ:  Have a great day.  Hugs!!!

Sally55:  Hugs back to you!

MaryJJ:  Hugs!

If there is one interjection that deaf people make during IM conversations, it is “Hugs.”  You can easily gauge a deaf person’s feelings for you by counting the number of hugs they throw at you.  This is not to be confused with actual hugs (the subject of a future entry).

• 5+:  They’re drunk, move along.
• 2-4:  They like you, dahling.  But don’t let it get to your head.
• 1:  Hi friend!
• 0:  True friendship.

In order to move up in social ranking, try to attract less “Hugs” from deaf people.  Be cautious, for they cluster on you like barnacles and can drag you down.

As for deploying this potent weapon yourself, remember that to most deaf people this is just filler; mere punctutation to what is hoped a lively conversation.  Deaf people have a finely honed sense of when to deploy “Hugs,” so watch that you do not blurt out one at an inopportune time.

Door handle

Next time go for a drive in the neighboorhood with a deaf person, observe them carefully as you approach the car.  Hold the key fob in your hand firmly, and watch as the deaf person stands patiently by the door, handle in hand, waiting for you to unlock it.  Why do they do this strange thing?

Deaf people initimately know what their car door handles feel like.  For, you see, they feel them up, hold them, touch them — while they are waiting for the car to be unlocked.  Unlike people who can hear (hereafter referred to as “hearing people”) deaf people cannot detect the click of a unlocked car door.

So they hold the handle delicately, gently, waiting to feel the car door open.

Sometimes they miss the click though, and only after much rockings-of-the-car and hand wavings will they realize that everybody is in the car already.  This is often embarrassing, so please be cool about it.